Since being sleeved, food is my fuel, if just right and of good quality. If not, I suffer from a lack of energy or a general feeling of being unwell. Then I have regret and become naturally disinterested in food.
Food was a large social part of my life before the sleeve. My entertainment of life was going to eat and drink, or to cook large meals at home, tasting everything as I went along with the cooking process. I loved sipping wine until two or three bottles were empty.
Food was everywhere, shopping for food, ordering food online, family meals, dinner parties, a snack whilst waiting for a train. Buying nibbles for a flight, browsing the sweets for something to have in the car. The list goes on.
Now I have lost interest in food. If I get asked to go to dinner with friends, twin thoughts instantly jump to mind: firstly, what can I eat that won’t get stuck, secondly, what a waste of money for a night out.
Food is boring, but also my buzz, my desire, my lust. I cannot eat what I want anymore. I will binge watch food shows, I will dribble at the array of cakes and doughnuts. I will plan to cook meals that only are just dreams. This is all fine and maybe a little fanatic but if I eat wrong or bad foods my mind detests foods. It becomes my enemy, an enemy I don’t want to fight but ignore.
The thought of food can make me feel nauseous. I can feel the bad food sitting in my body making me feel rubbishy. Why would I like food? It makes no difference to me if I suddenly get up from the chair and make a delicious protein shake or a piece of ham on toast. The damage is done, I cannot repair it that day.
It’s the wrong approach I know, but it’s what I do. I must start the day right and continue through the day making the right choices and eating the right foods that feed me correctly. I cannot wash out the sticky chocolate bar that I munched in the car, the damage has been done as far as I am concerned. If the food I have eaten gives me a low mood and guilt, I tell myself that it was only once and was only a small amount. But, the damage is done.
I have taught myself to plan for the following day with good ‘angel’ foods. Foods that will uplift my mood, foods that will nourish my energy, foods that make me feel good preparing them. But if I have eaten food that has got stuck and leaves me suffering for at least two hours as it tries to enter my stomach unchecked. Then it takes me at least 12 hours to feel better and regain confidence in eating again.
Where am I going with all this talk of food?
Well, all this is fine if I am at home, but when this happens on holiday or out with friends then what? This is the most difficult situation for me to be in, holidays are not about me, they are for everyone I am with. I must withhold my selfish mood about food and think what will the others I am with need and want. I can be polite and get through, which I do, so why can’t I do this at home. Why do I become this little girl with a temper-tantrum? Because I can, it is as simple as that.
Food for me is a relationship, if it was kind to me then I will love it, but if it does me wrong that I hate it to pieces until I need it again, then the whole cycle starts again.
I have a craving just like the person next door! All I need to do is reign in the cravings and make real decisions that work for the situation. And if I want to give into my cravings then I must chew and/or chop up my food really small!
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